Faith in wrong

Why do we always put faith in those who continually let us down?  I often wonder why I give so much trust and heart to someone who was always good for one thing, letting me down.  I do not know if it was the smile or the way he made me feel like the world was alright as long as his arms were around me; I felt as if anything could happen as long as I had that feeling.

After I told you, myself I give up, we both knew I just don’t give up on someone.  No matter the time nor space I always was there waiting for you.  I was always willing to give you one more chance.  I was always willing to give up whatever was going on in my life just to have that feeling.  Even when I knew in my mind that you would eventually find a reason, find something flawed within me, you would go away.  I was the last option always the last choice and I allowed that to be okay.

Today, I wonder why I always put my heart on the line.  Why do I always believe you will change and want to be with me? Why did I believe you when you said you were here to stay; this time!  I am the one to hurt and cry while you were out to play.  I was always the one in mourning for the relationship that now seems a figment of my imagination.  Why do we put our trust in those who always break our souls?

I never found the answer to any of these questions I doubt I ever will.  For the one that I allowed to do all these things always laid the blame on me.  He never gave a straight answer never had known truth it seems.  I am still the one with heartache and him, well he may be reeling with glee at the pain he reveled onto me.

 

Lost Soul Searching

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Questions

th (6)

Why does someone come back or even stay if they have made the mental decision to just not love again, to not even care.  I wonder how he said he hadn’t cared in the last three years yet he continued to come back.  He says he had hope I would change.  Ironically I had changed without him knowing.  He still saw me as the unmedicated crazy bipolar person I was in the first year or two.  Those manic phases were a high; to be on cloud nine without any thoughts to consequences; He was always there to bail me out.  The lows could get so low but I faked my way through life for the most part.  I would have many a nights where I just cried in the shower or myself to sleep.  I felt so much guilt over the things I would remember from the highs.  I do have a lot of blankets of time missing some I did remember; some still haunt me to this day.

I know for a fact in the beginning this man did love me I just didn’t care about anyone but myself in those days.  I needed so much attention from anyone and everyone.  I was not content unless I was the center of attention everywhere.  There were so many times I would do what I wanted when I wanted and didn’t care if he liked it or not.  I would spend spend and spend some more mostly on clothing, shoes, A-L-C-O-H-O-L.  There was so much alcohol so many nights that I would rather forget some I don’t remember; which was pieced together by whichever one of my friends that I was with for the night.  I hated the bipolar medicines, the anxiety medicines, the schizophrenic medicines.  I hated them all I would convince myself I did not need them I was fine.  Truth is they made me boring and took away the fun personalities so I self medicated with alcohol.  I used to say “if I didn’t remember it it didn’t happen”  I can now at clarity see how bad that really sounds.

Now through this journey I have been repulsed by some things I have done.  I sometimes wonder why he stayed through that first 6 months hell the first year. I have come along way now, four years later.  I was punished the last three.  He can rationalize his behavior anyway he would like to but you do not punish your girlfriend, the person you are supposed to love in this manner no matter the reason no one deserves this.  I understand we get hurt in relationships and things sometimes go awry but sometimes being a decent human being is what we are to do.

He has preached the last four years about the person he envisioned me to be.  The self confident professional corporate climber.  The person self sufficient that wouldn’t need anyone’s help.  The independent amazing woman that he put on a pedestal.  I blamed him for putting me on a pedestal that I could never attain or so I thought.  Now, ironically, I am on my way to all the qualities he saw four years ago in that mess of a person.

I got tired of disappointing him!  I could never get approval no matter what I did so I had a screw it mentality and I always screwed it up big time!  Did I push him to try anything to try and make me want to be normal? Was it my fault that I made him so damn bitter and jaded? Could he have actually loved me unconditionally that he couldn’t just give up on me and lose all hope?  As I kept saying he is pushing me away was it really I who pushed him away? Maybe just maybe all of the above.

 

 

Lost Soul Searching

My Letter To My Ex

I have no clue why I am writing this; its supposed to be good therapy for me.  It is a way to get it all out as they say. Although it will never be sent it is therapy.

I must admit as I even walk down as our lives were the last four years its a little bitter sweet.  It is anger to a degree I have never been to.  The anger is not towards you though but myself.  I am so mad I actually allowed you to continue to leave and come back without ever even question you, not once!  You told me so many times I have cycles.  I have cycles yet you were the one who would leave at YOUR convenience.  When you had other plans, when your aunt started to question you, at holidays, when you just felt like it, when you thought there would be hard times, You bolted every damn time!!  In four years we never once spent a Christmas together not 1!  Birthdays forget it.  If you had a job you were just gone.  If I ran into an issue with a job or financially gone.  Well when I was on top or doing well; yep you came running back all sweet and loving.  I allowed it so that anger and stupidity is all mine to own,

In the first year, I was messed up mentally.  You knew I was not over Rob yet you found a new guinea pig to try and “fix”.  I never needed you to fix me, I needed you to love me.  I know that’s hard for you to even understand.  I cheated as you said, yet you were the one saying no commitment, no monogamy than called me a cheater!  When we were supposed to move to Harrisburg together.  You drove me and left me!  In my mind you left me sigh.  I understand you see things differently at that time.

I am sorry for any pain I have caused you.  I am so sorry that you felt or feel betrayed.  I never intended to hurt you.  I was not ready to be loved or love than.  We are both aware of that.  I did come back with you to be with you.  I had realized that I loved you more than anyone I have ever before.  Love is something that I will always have for you, that’s not something that can be removed in such a small time, but I know that you will always have a place in my heart and soul.

I realize now that even though you said you forgave me, you never did.  I know that your wife had betrayed you with your best friend and that is not something I could know since it’s never happened to me.  You may feel as though I was always stepping out on you,  you distrusted me three years after any of that happened.  You cannot say I cheated with Jason since you wrote the letter breaking it all off telling me I was ‘not worth it”.

I still wonder if you actually told people the things you have said to me?   Did you tell people I wasn’t worth it?  Did you tell people that I was a failure and loser? Did you tell people how you screamed at me at my house for 2 hours until you actually broke me telling me how bad I really am?  Did you tell them that in anger you told me that I wanted to be raped as a child; molested as a child? Did you tell anyone that you left when we found out I was diagnosed with cancer?  I wonder have you said any of this or just that I was ‘crazy’ or that I did so many things wrong?   I am doubting it since it was only behind closed doors that you screamed at me or even said anything bad, since after all as you say its no ones business whats said between us right?

As I remember certain times that it was so good.  The way your heart beats as I laid on your chest while you wrapped your arms around me.  The way you kissed my forehead oh so gently.  The way we could sit in total silence yet be so comfortable with each other.  I thought you were my one.  I feel foolish now looking back, since you told me over and over again how much you didn’t want me! You showed me that you didn’t.

I am sorry for so many things that I have done to you, hell even things I didn’t even do!  I feel sorry that you have so much distrust and I was a part of that as well I know that now.  I could’ve done better, been better, but maybe it took us breaking apart to actually make me want to be the better person.  I have become a person that I can actually be proud of looking back at from the mirror.  I no longer disgust myself.  I am proud of the accomplishments that I have accomplished the last few months.  I have done so well personally and professionally as well.  I guess you drove me to be the person I am today, yet it is sad that you will not be around to actually see it after all the time invested.

I have let go of all my anger for you and myself at this point.  Life is what you make of it and if we are only reminiscing on the past that holds pain; we never can move forward or even enjoy all life has to offer us.  Life holds so much love and beauty but being stuck on anger and what could haves or would haves just stop us in our tracks.  Let it go, learn to love again. Look to a future that is bright and full of great potential.  You can do anything that you set your mind on and got the motivation to obtain!

I made a promise to you and myself a year ago.  I told us both that if you left again on a punishment to me; there was no going back.  This promise I do plan on keeping not really to punish you or teach you a lesson but a promise to myself.  I refuse to have a yo yo relationship again.  You only did what I allowed; I know this now.  I am taking the permission away.  I am not a second option or a toy that can be picked up whenever your bored.  I am a woman; I have emotions, feelings, and desires.  I have to raise my standards to a higher level for the person I will be with and myself.

Lastly my wish for you is hope and happiness.  I hope you can learn to trust someone, anyone, again, if you ever had trust.  I hope that you can feel the warmth of the sun’s rays and feel the beauty in it.  I hope you can learn to dance in the rain again.  There is so much beauty in this world that when we are so jaded we never really get to enjoy any of it.

 

 

Lost Soul Searching

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Redemption

One of the things I have realized the last few years is that I only have myself to count on.  I have been ignored, avoided and been told that everything is all my fault.  I am to blame for the punishment that is ensued on me.  He has told me that every time I piss him off its a day, days, weeks and so forth.  Control conditioning or gaslighting is what psychiatry calls this.  If you do bad than you are punished by them; the abuser actually enjoys when your miserable.

Today I am scarring over and healing realizing that I was not to blame for everything.  It is my fault for not realizing the numerous times he showed me he didn’t want me.  He even believed that when he said “We are over or done” that I should be waiting for him!!! This was actual words spoken from him! I know.  I guess I was the confused and crazy one.  I was a secret the last year we were together because his aunt who paid all the bills and helped him financially would cut him off!! How absurd for a forty-seven year old man.  I dealt with it as well though; that’t the part that gets me today.  I actually allowed this.

When we allow a man to do things; they are going too!  Why do we allow others to make us feel so bad? Why do we actually put up with ludicrous  in the name of love? Maybe it is we don’t want to feel like we are failures again? We have invested so much time and money into a relationship that we can never get back.  Who wants to start all over again?  I think this is why women give everything over and over until they are finally at a snapping point that they finally give in.  This is the point that the man wants to acknowledge an issue and try; sad reality.  In this time though the woman has already had enough and planned on moving on.  The differences of a woman and a man!

 

 

lost soul searching

The Dagger Of Love

lost in you

living in pain

what can i really do

love’s all in vain

 

stabbing, wrenching, pain

tore my heart apart

no love again

the dagger has done its part

 

looking back

all in hindsight

your love was lacking

when I gave all my might

 

why play  me again

why even come back

you always win

and I with a dagger in my back

 

th (5)

Kryponite

 

 

th (4)

You ever have that one person you cannot just let go?  You know just by seeing them, looking at them, no matter what they did you could just forgive them? He is mine! I definitely do not know why he has this hold on me.  I know all that is been done, all that has been said, but I know one glance, one dimple, one smile, one touch and I would melt.

How do you break free especially someone who has told you repeatedly they didn’t want you.  They than come back in full force as if nothing has ever happened.  How do you break the cycle of a relationship you know is toxic?  Cut all contact!  No matter what do not call, text, e-mail nothing.  I used to run when I saw him somewhere.

I am in a mourning place I think. Mourning the relationship or what I thought it was.  I miss the feeling of security and what I thought was love.  I miss cuddling on the couch wrapped in the warmth of his arms as he caressed my hair.  The way his hands enveloped the cusp of my face.  There were good moments once.  Those seemed so long ago now that I think about it.  I miss…..being loved!!!

As everything in my life is coming together as I never would have dreamed.  Why am I wishing he was around?  Why am I mourning his touch or kiss.  He was so mean and disrespectful.  He never stuck around at all; so what is it about him that I keep hoping will change.  I am educated and smart enough to know that he will or can never be everything I need.  I guess we all hope things can work after you vested so much time.  It seems like all the time and energy was for nothing.

Finality! It is surreal and also so infinite.  I guess there are stages to it all.  I don’t like this phase at all.  It is such a phase that finality becomes reality.  To know that the person you loved with all your soul; thought less of you, thought you were not “worth it”, the person who only used you as a guinea pig to try and fix you is a facade of what I wanted him to be. We always are trying too hard for those that tell you repeatedly they don’t want you, maybe its the feeling of rejection that makes it so hard!  None of us like rejection after all.

We must put ourselves first.  Our health, love, spiritual, our own lives, we must be selfish once in a while. We must remain strong after all we cannot find the right one holding onto the wrong one Right???

 

lostsoulsearching

Abandonment

th (2)

As I am listening to my doctor I go numb and blatantly pissed off all at once.  You will understand in a few if I can try and get through this.  It amazes me the amount of men that can stand by their woman in good and bad; I never got that from him.

In spring of 2015 I started having really bad pains in my left side.  I say bad because it was bearable than it got much worst.  After ultrasounds and multitude of tests I am told I have ovarian cysts and a teratoma.  I google everything, it is my friend, most times.  Teratoma was a term I have never heard; its also a word I never want to hear again.  These little critters as I shall call them no one knows how they form but they have human genetics can grow hair, eyes, TEETH really?  I assumed at the time it was gross yet it needed to come out.  I have had ovarian cyst my entire life so its no biggie or so I thought.  The ‘cyst’ which turned out to be a Wilms tumor grew 3 cm in just two months which is rare and the a pain than was immense.  The gynecologist here was booked 3 months in advance, 3 ever loving months in pain that doubled me over, pain that I wanted to cut out my ovary myself!!

I had emergency room visits that ended in take these, shot up with morphine or dilaudid some form of pain medicine because all that could be done was to give pain medicine to alleviate the pain until I could get to the surgery.  Tumors were spreading and multiplying at an alarming rate, which doctors were sympathetic except one in August who said basically I was clear! Wait, all these tests, confirmations of tumors and he stated the pain was in my head, laughable.  I asked for that in writing nope but he left the room and basically sent in the nurse with prescriptions of narcotics until I could see my doctor.

I guess you figured out by now that I had cancer, that confirmation was so surreal I dont know if I even remember the doctor visit but the test paperwork and scripts.  This appointment was in September 2015.  I lived in pain without medicine for a month because he told me I was exuding drug seeking behavior; the pain was all in my mind, that if I told my mind I wasn’t in pain I wouldn’t be.

On October 13, 2015 I woke up to an email from him.  It was a Dear Tammy type of e-mail.  I was so mortified and in shock I think.  I have read that email over and over, especially the part not even how he bashed me repeatedly but “You are not worth it” these words still haunt me to this day.  I now cannot do anything unless it’s perfect! I must be the best at all costs! My job offers open hours at our call center, I work almost 80 hours a week to make sure I have the most sells! I must be  number 1, number 2 is not acceptable.  I am still trying to be “worth it” whatever that it is.

I can tell you now that in that email there was a lot of wrong doing on my part stuff from 2 years before and what he believed I was cheating, which I, in fact was not.  His insecurities came out obviously trying to blame me for him not being around, for him going away for days,weeks, months at a time.  I was an evil person who didn’t deserve anything especially him because I was not “worth it”.  How does a man, mind you a man that is supposed to love you just leave you at your worst time when you have been diagnosed with what turned out to be  the most aggressive and rare form of cancer with a survival  rate of 29%!!!  I actually rationalized his actions saying he was scared, maybe he couldn’t face the fact that I may die….I really thought he left for my own good! Ha!

I finally got fed up and made an appointment with the best ovarian specialist in Magee Women’s hospital. I could feel the pain getting stronger if that’s possible, fatigued and just plain sick every single day of my life.  I had an appointment on Thursday and was scheduled for surgery on Monday! That told me that it was bad, really bad.  The pathology was worst than expected.  I had 14 tumors that formed in 7 months.  The one causing the majority of the pain was a Wilms tumor that was hiding behind my ovary, which was 11.9 cm, which doesn’t seem like much but it is when its pushing all your organs together.  The cancer that started in my cervix; went to my uterus, eroded most of my fallopian tubes and yes my ovaries filled with em.

It sunk in! He left me at a time that I needed him most for support.  He bolted when he was needed, when things were not picture perfect. I do not in no way claim to be an angel but even if I had disdain towards someone that I love I could never abandon them at such a tragic and terrific time.  Unless you have been there you cannot say what your feeling at a time where you are looking at death.  They say now cancer is not a big deal there has been advancements but until your told that you have the big C you couldnt understand.  The possibility of death is always lingering somewhere in the recesses of your mind.

I went every Christmas, Birthday any holiday he disappeared, I made him mad so it was always my fault.  I never received any gifts, now I wonder if it was because he thought I didn’t deserve it.  I now know it was his games that he played. You got it in February 2016 he wanted to come back, like he was never gone, like nothing ever happened! I let him too. I was just happy he was back that I never even said anything.  It’s always great at first he’s tentative, loving, caressing, caring.  It always ends, always goes back to I am not good enough.  He is not good enough!!

This creature who makes everyone feel less lets speak about his life.  He is 47 years old today.  He has no job! He does work at a weatherization case worker in the county assistance office 5 months out of the year.  He works part time at a local tax  company a few months during tax time, do you see the cycle.  If he’s working he disappears, when its over he magically wanted to reappear.  He lives at home where he has been since his wife of 20 years kicked his butt out five years ago I believe.  He has ‘dreams’ of being a millionaire, his women should be a trophy wife.  He, however, doesn’t even put in the work to attain anything.  The car he drives his brother sold him dirt cheap and has no assets, no pensions,  no plans for the future, to him he says he can’t see the future.  I should also let you know he went through all the schooling and became a doctor, naturalist doctor; he doesn’t practice but he does try and tell you how and what you should be doing to be ‘healthy’.  You guessed it, it was my fault I got cancer, not the genetics I was given, which is where the wilms tumor came from.

These all came about due to my last check up at the doctor.  Cancer again, only 17 months later but now in my bladder, I am starting to feel as it is against me.  I had 3 different calls from nurses this morning alone.  The last one though, as I heard her talking about cancer enzymes, blood cultures and low kidney function for my age; my mind went blank.  Ironic isn’t it, how he found a way to finally piss me off right before I am diagnosed again!! I am now thinking he actually knew I had cancer again! He made a traumatic exit as usual blaming me for everything in his life and mine; of course it’s my fault.  No it is not my fault! He is a narcissistic self absorbed insecure little boy.  He has no responsibilities, no goals, no motivations at all, he has very far out dreams, that he will never attain since he doesn’t even know what hard work and determination is.

I am human,we make mistakes,  but it is not I who has the problem but him!  I work 70 hours or more a week, I do take care of my mother and live her by choice and duty, I can afford anything actually, but I refuse to see my mom go into a nursing home.  I have beautiful children that love, adore, and respect me as I do them.  My life is not perfect, I am not perfect, I have scars that are invisible to others but I fight daily to get up, get out there and to try and be a better person every day! I have more worth in my little piggy than he will ever have!! Money can always be made, always, love and support now that is a rare treasure!!

 

 

Lostsoulsearching

The Power Of Words

th (1)Words that I remember could cut the strongest man down.  As I sat and tried to think of how or even how the hell I dealt with such verbal abuse from him.   Words like you only have ever given your worst, Where is the good?, You are not worth it. He once told me that the sexual abuse I suffered as a child by the men who were supposed to protect me, was my fault! I probably wanted it!!  These are the normal; so what the hell was wrong with me?  I have never let anyone have power over my own self worth, to tell me what I am supposed to be or feel in my life; so why did he have such power?  He made me believe he was so much better than me.  He repeatedly told me how crazy I was.  I was in his phone as “psychotic bitch from hell”.  I couldn’t even make this up.  Words have such a power to uplift or completely destroy you especially if they are being said by someone you love and trust completely.  How does a person who you completely trust this much take that as a sign to wear you down to nothingness.  CONTROL,

He found a way to get me to open up and tell him all my insecurities, my fears, my weakness’ and used every opportunity to use them against me.  I did not see this then obviously its only in after the fact that I am seeing it.  I am sure he will have a whole different retrospect on it, after all, he is the victim!! Everyone is out to get him, to make him miserable, as he used to say Buddha says “Life is suffering” boy did I suffer.  I was with him for four years; four very long years that seemed like an eternity, to the point that I did not even remember my life before him.   He definitely had me feeling I would never make it without him and no life after!

We did get together at one of my lowest points in my life; mentally and physically, so I guess I was already vulnerable and easy for the pickings to control.  There had been some good times, I think, hell at this point I wonder if he had me believe that too.  His words were like gold even though he would always say I don’t listen to him anyway; no one does.  Reminiscing on some of the words that he spoke, I can’t believe even some of the things written to me from him, and the most amazing part of it all…..I believed it!!

When you are told on a regular basis it is all in your head, you are nuts and crazy, you’re worthless, you are a failure, you always make the worst choices and everything is your fault, ironically you start to actually believe it.  Life is funny that way.

The more I mourn the relationship err what I thought was the relationship I realize it was all about a controlling and power trip.  If I did as he wanted, as I took his advice and did things in his time constraints and in his order it was all okay or he made me believe.  If I would dare do anything on my own, even fathom that I may have my own mind, my own decisions than I would get punished by his controlling tactics, that I have recently found out that they teach in the military called conditioning or gas lighting.

“People will not always remember what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel.”  These words are powerful with so much strength in truth.  I have memories of just laying in his arms and feeling like all was right with the world but also know that it wouldn’t last since he had to always run or go wherever he went to condition me to his will.  I do not think I have ever felt so bad about myself, hated myself this much in my life.  I do not ever remember doubting myself so much, second guessing every decision I have ever made, I allowed him to control my clothing, thoughts, decisions, my own SELF esteem; I allowed him to take it all willingly!!

This is a way to learn of what I did do, what I allowed him to do; to never allow anyone to ever have that much power of my own feelings and thoughts again.  I do hope to one day when I can actually move on completely to find love again, however, I will be a stronger and better person before I even amuse that ideology.

Stupid, idiot, dumb, crazy, worthless, dippy, moron, your dumb choices you deserve all you get, you will never be good enough, you did this yourself, you pushed me away, I don’t want this or you, I deserve better than you.  Only words on a paper yet so powerful to self doubt when said by a person you loved with your soul, one you  completely trusted, The one you thought would not, could not hurt you like that!!!! Just Words!!

 

 

Lostsoulsearching