th (6)

Why does someone come back or even stay if they have made the mental decision to just not love again, to not even care.  I wonder how he said he hadn’t cared in the last three years yet he continued to come back.  He says he had hope I would change.  Ironically I had changed without him knowing.  He still saw me as the unmedicated crazy bipolar person I was in the first year or two.  Those manic phases were a high; to be on cloud nine without any thoughts to consequences; He was always there to bail me out.  The lows could get so low but I faked my way through life for the most part.  I would have many a nights where I just cried in the shower or myself to sleep.  I felt so much guilt over the things I would remember from the highs.  I do have a lot of blankets of time missing some I did remember; some still haunt me to this day.

I know for a fact in the beginning this man did love me I just didn’t care about anyone but myself in those days.  I needed so much attention from anyone and everyone.  I was not content unless I was the center of attention everywhere.  There were so many times I would do what I wanted when I wanted and didn’t care if he liked it or not.  I would spend spend and spend some more mostly on clothing, shoes, A-L-C-O-H-O-L.  There was so much alcohol so many nights that I would rather forget some I don’t remember; which was pieced together by whichever one of my friends that I was with for the night.  I hated the bipolar medicines, the anxiety medicines, the schizophrenic medicines.  I hated them all I would convince myself I did not need them I was fine.  Truth is they made me boring and took away the fun personalities so I self medicated with alcohol.  I used to say “if I didn’t remember it it didn’t happen”  I can now at clarity see how bad that really sounds.

Now through this journey I have been repulsed by some things I have done.  I sometimes wonder why he stayed through that first 6 months hell the first year. I have come along way now, four years later.  I was punished the last three.  He can rationalize his behavior anyway he would like to but you do not punish your girlfriend, the person you are supposed to love in this manner no matter the reason no one deserves this.  I understand we get hurt in relationships and things sometimes go awry but sometimes being a decent human being is what we are to do.

He has preached the last four years about the person he envisioned me to be.  The self confident professional corporate climber.  The person self sufficient that wouldn’t need anyone’s help.  The independent amazing woman that he put on a pedestal.  I blamed him for putting me on a pedestal that I could never attain or so I thought.  Now, ironically, I am on my way to all the qualities he saw four years ago in that mess of a person.

I got tired of disappointing him!  I could never get approval no matter what I did so I had a screw it mentality and I always screwed it up big time!  Did I push him to try anything to try and make me want to be normal? Was it my fault that I made him so damn bitter and jaded? Could he have actually loved me unconditionally that he couldn’t just give up on me and lose all hope?  As I kept saying he is pushing me away was it really I who pushed him away? Maybe just maybe all of the above.



Lost Soul Searching


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