One of the things I have realized the last few years is that I only have myself to count on.  I have been ignored, avoided and been told that everything is all my fault.  I am to blame for the punishment that is ensued on me.  He has told me that every time I piss him off its a day, days, weeks and so forth.  Control conditioning or gaslighting is what psychiatry calls this.  If you do bad than you are punished by them; the abuser actually enjoys when your miserable.

Today I am scarring over and healing realizing that I was not to blame for everything.  It is my fault for not realizing the numerous times he showed me he didn’t want me.  He even believed that when he said “We are over or done” that I should be waiting for him!!! This was actual words spoken from him! I know.  I guess I was the confused and crazy one.  I was a secret the last year we were together because his aunt who paid all the bills and helped him financially would cut him off!! How absurd for a forty-seven year old man.  I dealt with it as well though; that’t the part that gets me today.  I actually allowed this.

When we allow a man to do things; they are going too!  Why do we allow others to make us feel so bad? Why do we actually put up with ludicrous  in the name of love? Maybe it is we don’t want to feel like we are failures again? We have invested so much time and money into a relationship that we can never get back.  Who wants to start all over again?  I think this is why women give everything over and over until they are finally at a snapping point that they finally give in.  This is the point that the man wants to acknowledge an issue and try; sad reality.  In this time though the woman has already had enough and planned on moving on.  The differences of a woman and a man!



lost soul searching


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