I have no clue why I am writing this; its supposed to be good therapy for me.  It is a way to get it all out as they say. Although it will never be sent it is therapy.

I must admit as I even walk down as our lives were the last four years its a little bitter sweet.  It is anger to a degree I have never been to.  The anger is not towards you though but myself.  I am so mad I actually allowed you to continue to leave and come back without ever even question you, not once!  You told me so many times I have cycles.  I have cycles yet you were the one who would leave at YOUR convenience.  When you had other plans, when your aunt started to question you, at holidays, when you just felt like it, when you thought there would be hard times, You bolted every damn time!!  In four years we never once spent a Christmas together not 1!  Birthdays forget it.  If you had a job you were just gone.  If I ran into an issue with a job or financially gone.  Well when I was on top or doing well; yep you came running back all sweet and loving.  I allowed it so that anger and stupidity is all mine to own,

In the first year, I was messed up mentally.  You knew I was not over Rob yet you found a new guinea pig to try and “fix”.  I never needed you to fix me, I needed you to love me.  I know that’s hard for you to even understand.  I cheated as you said, yet you were the one saying no commitment, no monogamy than called me a cheater!  When we were supposed to move to Harrisburg together.  You drove me and left me!  In my mind you left me sigh.  I understand you see things differently at that time.

I am sorry for any pain I have caused you.  I am so sorry that you felt or feel betrayed.  I never intended to hurt you.  I was not ready to be loved or love than.  We are both aware of that.  I did come back with you to be with you.  I had realized that I loved you more than anyone I have ever before.  Love is something that I will always have for you, that’s not something that can be removed in such a small time, but I know that you will always have a place in my heart and soul.

I realize now that even though you said you forgave me, you never did.  I know that your wife had betrayed you with your best friend and that is not something I could know since it’s never happened to me.  You may feel as though I was always stepping out on you,  you distrusted me three years after any of that happened.  You cannot say I cheated with Jason since you wrote the letter breaking it all off telling me I was ‘not worth it”.

I still wonder if you actually told people the things you have said to me?   Did you tell people I wasn’t worth it?  Did you tell people that I was a failure and loser? Did you tell people how you screamed at me at my house for 2 hours until you actually broke me telling me how bad I really am?  Did you tell them that in anger you told me that I wanted to be raped as a child; molested as a child? Did you tell anyone that you left when we found out I was diagnosed with cancer?  I wonder have you said any of this or just that I was ‘crazy’ or that I did so many things wrong?   I am doubting it since it was only behind closed doors that you screamed at me or even said anything bad, since after all as you say its no ones business whats said between us right?

As I remember certain times that it was so good.  The way your heart beats as I laid on your chest while you wrapped your arms around me.  The way you kissed my forehead oh so gently.  The way we could sit in total silence yet be so comfortable with each other.  I thought you were my one.  I feel foolish now looking back, since you told me over and over again how much you didn’t want me! You showed me that you didn’t.

I am sorry for so many things that I have done to you, hell even things I didn’t even do!  I feel sorry that you have so much distrust and I was a part of that as well I know that now.  I could’ve done better, been better, but maybe it took us breaking apart to actually make me want to be the better person.  I have become a person that I can actually be proud of looking back at from the mirror.  I no longer disgust myself.  I am proud of the accomplishments that I have accomplished the last few months.  I have done so well personally and professionally as well.  I guess you drove me to be the person I am today, yet it is sad that you will not be around to actually see it after all the time invested.

I have let go of all my anger for you and myself at this point.  Life is what you make of it and if we are only reminiscing on the past that holds pain; we never can move forward or even enjoy all life has to offer us.  Life holds so much love and beauty but being stuck on anger and what could haves or would haves just stop us in our tracks.  Let it go, learn to love again. Look to a future that is bright and full of great potential.  You can do anything that you set your mind on and got the motivation to obtain!

I made a promise to you and myself a year ago.  I told us both that if you left again on a punishment to me; there was no going back.  This promise I do plan on keeping not really to punish you or teach you a lesson but a promise to myself.  I refuse to have a yo yo relationship again.  You only did what I allowed; I know this now.  I am taking the permission away.  I am not a second option or a toy that can be picked up whenever your bored.  I am a woman; I have emotions, feelings, and desires.  I have to raise my standards to a higher level for the person I will be with and myself.

Lastly my wish for you is hope and happiness.  I hope you can learn to trust someone, anyone, again, if you ever had trust.  I hope that you can feel the warmth of the sun’s rays and feel the beauty in it.  I hope you can learn to dance in the rain again.  There is so much beauty in this world that when we are so jaded we never really get to enjoy any of it.

 

 

Lost Soul Searching

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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