th (4)

You ever have that one person you cannot just let go?  You know just by seeing them, looking at them, no matter what they did you could just forgive them? He is mine! I definitely do not know why he has this hold on me.  I know all that is been done, all that has been said, but I know one glance, one dimple, one smile, one touch and I would melt.

How do you break free especially someone who has told you repeatedly they didn’t want you.  They than come back in full force as if nothing has ever happened.  How do you break the cycle of a relationship you know is toxic?  Cut all contact!  No matter what do not call, text, e-mail nothing.  I used to run when I saw him somewhere.

I am in a mourning place I think. Mourning the relationship or what I thought it was.  I miss the feeling of security and what I thought was love.  I miss cuddling on the couch wrapped in the warmth of his arms as he caressed my hair.  The way his hands enveloped the cusp of my face.  There were good moments once.  Those seemed so long ago now that I think about it.  I miss…..being loved!!!

As everything in my life is coming together as I never would have dreamed.  Why am I wishing he was around?  Why am I mourning his touch or kiss.  He was so mean and disrespectful.  He never stuck around at all; so what is it about him that I keep hoping will change.  I am educated and smart enough to know that he will or can never be everything I need.  I guess we all hope things can work after you vested so much time.  It seems like all the time and energy was for nothing.

Finality! It is surreal and also so infinite.  I guess there are stages to it all.  I don’t like this phase at all.  It is such a phase that finality becomes reality.  To know that the person you loved with all your soul; thought less of you, thought you were not “worth it”, the person who only used you as a guinea pig to try and fix you is a facade of what I wanted him to be. We always are trying too hard for those that tell you repeatedly they don’t want you, maybe its the feeling of rejection that makes it so hard!  None of us like rejection after all.

We must put ourselves first.  Our health, love, spiritual, our own lives, we must be selfish once in a while. We must remain strong after all we cannot find the right one holding onto the wrong one Right???

 

lostsoulsearching

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s