Words that I remember could cut the strongest man down. As I sat and tried to think of how or even how the hell I dealt with such verbal abuse from him. Words like you only have ever given your worst, Where is the good?, You are not worth it. He once told me that the sexual abuse I suffered as a child by the men who were supposed to protect me, was my fault! I probably wanted it!! These are the normal; so what the hell was wrong with me? I have never let anyone have power over my own self worth, to tell me what I am supposed to be or feel in my life; so why did he have such power? He made me believe he was so much better than me. He repeatedly told me how crazy I was. I was in his phone as “psychotic bitch from hell”. I couldn’t even make this up. Words have such a power to uplift or completely destroy you especially if they are being said by someone you love and trust completely. How does a person who you completely trust this much take that as a sign to wear you down to nothingness. CONTROL,
He found a way to get me to open up and tell him all my insecurities, my fears, my weakness’ and used every opportunity to use them against me. I did not see this then obviously its only in after the fact that I am seeing it. I am sure he will have a whole different retrospect on it, after all, he is the victim!! Everyone is out to get him, to make him miserable, as he used to say Buddha says “Life is suffering” boy did I suffer. I was with him for four years; four very long years that seemed like an eternity, to the point that I did not even remember my life before him. He definitely had me feeling I would never make it without him and no life after!
We did get together at one of my lowest points in my life; mentally and physically, so I guess I was already vulnerable and easy for the pickings to control. There had been some good times, I think, hell at this point I wonder if he had me believe that too. His words were like gold even though he would always say I don’t listen to him anyway; no one does. Reminiscing on some of the words that he spoke, I can’t believe even some of the things written to me from him, and the most amazing part of it all…..I believed it!!
When you are told on a regular basis it is all in your head, you are nuts and crazy, you’re worthless, you are a failure, you always make the worst choices and everything is your fault, ironically you start to actually believe it. Life is funny that way.
The more I mourn the relationship err what I thought was the relationship I realize it was all about a controlling and power trip. If I did as he wanted, as I took his advice and did things in his time constraints and in his order it was all okay or he made me believe. If I would dare do anything on my own, even fathom that I may have my own mind, my own decisions than I would get punished by his controlling tactics, that I have recently found out that they teach in the military called conditioning or gas lighting.
“People will not always remember what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel.” These words are powerful with so much strength in truth. I have memories of just laying in his arms and feeling like all was right with the world but also know that it wouldn’t last since he had to always run or go wherever he went to condition me to his will. I do not think I have ever felt so bad about myself, hated myself this much in my life. I do not ever remember doubting myself so much, second guessing every decision I have ever made, I allowed him to control my clothing, thoughts, decisions, my own SELF esteem; I allowed him to take it all willingly!!
This is a way to learn of what I did do, what I allowed him to do; to never allow anyone to ever have that much power of my own feelings and thoughts again. I do hope to one day when I can actually move on completely to find love again, however, I will be a stronger and better person before I even amuse that ideology.
Stupid, idiot, dumb, crazy, worthless, dippy, moron, your dumb choices you deserve all you get, you will never be good enough, you did this yourself, you pushed me away, I don’t want this or you, I deserve better than you. Only words on a paper yet so powerful to self doubt when said by a person you loved with your soul, one you completely trusted, The one you thought would not, could not hurt you like that!!!! Just Words!!