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As I am listening to my doctor I go numb and blatantly pissed off all at once.  You will understand in a few if I can try and get through this.  It amazes me the amount of men that can stand by their woman in good and bad; I never got that from him.

In spring of 2015 I started having really bad pains in my left side.  I say bad because it was bearable than it got much worst.  After ultrasounds and multitude of tests I am told I have ovarian cysts and a teratoma.  I google everything, it is my friend, most times.  Teratoma was a term I have never heard; its also a word I never want to hear again.  These little critters as I shall call them no one knows how they form but they have human genetics can grow hair, eyes, TEETH really?  I assumed at the time it was gross yet it needed to come out.  I have had ovarian cyst my entire life so its no biggie or so I thought.  The ‘cyst’ which turned out to be a Wilms tumor grew 3 cm in just two months which is rare and the a pain than was immense.  The gynecologist here was booked 3 months in advance, 3 ever loving months in pain that doubled me over, pain that I wanted to cut out my ovary myself!!

I had emergency room visits that ended in take these, shot up with morphine or dilaudid some form of pain medicine because all that could be done was to give pain medicine to alleviate the pain until I could get to the surgery.  Tumors were spreading and multiplying at an alarming rate, which doctors were sympathetic except one in August who said basically I was clear! Wait, all these tests, confirmations of tumors and he stated the pain was in my head, laughable.  I asked for that in writing nope but he left the room and basically sent in the nurse with prescriptions of narcotics until I could see my doctor.

I guess you figured out by now that I had cancer, that confirmation was so surreal I dont know if I even remember the doctor visit but the test paperwork and scripts.  This appointment was in September 2015.  I lived in pain without medicine for a month because he told me I was exuding drug seeking behavior; the pain was all in my mind, that if I told my mind I wasn’t in pain I wouldn’t be.

On October 13, 2015 I woke up to an email from him.  It was a Dear Tammy type of e-mail.  I was so mortified and in shock I think.  I have read that email over and over, especially the part not even how he bashed me repeatedly but “You are not worth it” these words still haunt me to this day.  I now cannot do anything unless it’s perfect! I must be the best at all costs! My job offers open hours at our call center, I work almost 80 hours a week to make sure I have the most sells! I must be  number 1, number 2 is not acceptable.  I am still trying to be “worth it” whatever that it is.

I can tell you now that in that email there was a lot of wrong doing on my part stuff from 2 years before and what he believed I was cheating, which I, in fact was not.  His insecurities came out obviously trying to blame me for him not being around, for him going away for days,weeks, months at a time.  I was an evil person who didn’t deserve anything especially him because I was not “worth it”.  How does a man, mind you a man that is supposed to love you just leave you at your worst time when you have been diagnosed with what turned out to be  the most aggressive and rare form of cancer with a survival  rate of 29%!!!  I actually rationalized his actions saying he was scared, maybe he couldn’t face the fact that I may die….I really thought he left for my own good! Ha!

I finally got fed up and made an appointment with the best ovarian specialist in Magee Women’s hospital. I could feel the pain getting stronger if that’s possible, fatigued and just plain sick every single day of my life.  I had an appointment on Thursday and was scheduled for surgery on Monday! That told me that it was bad, really bad.  The pathology was worst than expected.  I had 14 tumors that formed in 7 months.  The one causing the majority of the pain was a Wilms tumor that was hiding behind my ovary, which was 11.9 cm, which doesn’t seem like much but it is when its pushing all your organs together.  The cancer that started in my cervix; went to my uterus, eroded most of my fallopian tubes and yes my ovaries filled with em.

It sunk in! He left me at a time that I needed him most for support.  He bolted when he was needed, when things were not picture perfect. I do not in no way claim to be an angel but even if I had disdain towards someone that I love I could never abandon them at such a tragic and terrific time.  Unless you have been there you cannot say what your feeling at a time where you are looking at death.  They say now cancer is not a big deal there has been advancements but until your told that you have the big C you couldnt understand.  The possibility of death is always lingering somewhere in the recesses of your mind.

I went every Christmas, Birthday any holiday he disappeared, I made him mad so it was always my fault.  I never received any gifts, now I wonder if it was because he thought I didn’t deserve it.  I now know it was his games that he played. You got it in February 2016 he wanted to come back, like he was never gone, like nothing ever happened! I let him too. I was just happy he was back that I never even said anything.  It’s always great at first he’s tentative, loving, caressing, caring.  It always ends, always goes back to I am not good enough.  He is not good enough!!

This creature who makes everyone feel less lets speak about his life.  He is 47 years old today.  He has no job! He does work at a weatherization case worker in the county assistance office 5 months out of the year.  He works part time at a local tax  company a few months during tax time, do you see the cycle.  If he’s working he disappears, when its over he magically wanted to reappear.  He lives at home where he has been since his wife of 20 years kicked his butt out five years ago I believe.  He has ‘dreams’ of being a millionaire, his women should be a trophy wife.  He, however, doesn’t even put in the work to attain anything.  The car he drives his brother sold him dirt cheap and has no assets, no pensions,  no plans for the future, to him he says he can’t see the future.  I should also let you know he went through all the schooling and became a doctor, naturalist doctor; he doesn’t practice but he does try and tell you how and what you should be doing to be ‘healthy’.  You guessed it, it was my fault I got cancer, not the genetics I was given, which is where the wilms tumor came from.

These all came about due to my last check up at the doctor.  Cancer again, only 17 months later but now in my bladder, I am starting to feel as it is against me.  I had 3 different calls from nurses this morning alone.  The last one though, as I heard her talking about cancer enzymes, blood cultures and low kidney function for my age; my mind went blank.  Ironic isn’t it, how he found a way to finally piss me off right before I am diagnosed again!! I am now thinking he actually knew I had cancer again! He made a traumatic exit as usual blaming me for everything in his life and mine; of course it’s my fault.  No it is not my fault! He is a narcissistic self absorbed insecure little boy.  He has no responsibilities, no goals, no motivations at all, he has very far out dreams, that he will never attain since he doesn’t even know what hard work and determination is.

I am human,we make mistakes,  but it is not I who has the problem but him!  I work 70 hours or more a week, I do take care of my mother and live her by choice and duty, I can afford anything actually, but I refuse to see my mom go into a nursing home.  I have beautiful children that love, adore, and respect me as I do them.  My life is not perfect, I am not perfect, I have scars that are invisible to others but I fight daily to get up, get out there and to try and be a better person every day! I have more worth in my little piggy than he will ever have!! Money can always be made, always, love and support now that is a rare treasure!!

 

 

Lostsoulsearching

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