Body Language

Eyes are shining brightSmile bright as summer skyNo one can dim her lightWho would concede to ask why?Her frame is beginning to thinHer new diet is wonderfulNo one thinks of looking withinWhen on the outside so beautifulHer eyes start to dimEyes still wide and brightCheeks are sinking ThinHer laughter arduous and lightNo one even notices frame is now frailSo many say nothingBut all know the talePain she hid over the yearsNo more tears in her eyesWhen everyone’s worst fearsFlash as composed on the screen”RWG MY SISTER MY FRIEND”Sadly missed by allWe all saw the signsJust no one made that callNow as tears are sweptCasket is lowered inPeople now want to speakAfter the disease already did her in!!! Lost Soul Searching

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Empowering Women

img_1454  One of my core beliefs as a woman is our power to ban together to help each other succeed.  Maturity brings the revelation that we can empower each other in all facets of our lives.  This includes building a network of strong women who together we can all succeed with everyday values.Whether you are a CEO of your own company or a consultant I am going to dedicated a weekly piece of your company and products that you are invested in.  I will take time out to try products of those women that I know, read my blog, or that are interested in getting your name and products out there;   together we can show We can make a difference.If you would be interested in letting me see what you have to offer, what you are working with so to speak; email me at divinesoultarot@gmail.com and let me know what makes you unique, your product(s) the best of the best and if wanted you I can provide an address to send me samples that we can collectively set up a video how to and explain the wonderful benefits of your products.’What better way to show the world how empowering others works then empowering each other through our own channels at hand and create beautiful friendships all awhile with free marketing and advertising. Talk to you soon my beauties,  Lost Soul Searching

I Tried

I tried

The more I tried

The bigger I failed

With the right premise

I tried

Loving you

Wanting us

Needing you

I tried

Doing as you wished

As you told me to

I tried

In the end

Approval was the desire

Loving meWas the goal

Even when I knew

This is how it would end

I tried!!

“I Tried” Tammy O’Brien

Do We Even Want the Fairytale?

signs-hes-never-going-to-marry-you-5

Will he marry you? This is the one question we as woman ask, ourselves mostly, when we are deeply in a loving relationship.  We tend to realize at one point or another down the line that “this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, to build with, to laugh, argue, make up and just be with every day that we are available from work and other commitments.”

One of the things even through it all we forget, Is he even the man I want to marry?  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man???  Are you guys honestly compatible or do you like the security?  As with most women we do not want to admit defeat.  Who would?  We have invested so much time and energy into this man, this relationship we just don’t want to have to do it all over again.  All the years we have given to this one person, the one who knows everything you like and most importantly HOW we like it.  We make lists for everything in life; groceries, to do lists, schedules, budgets, priority lists and as it said, the list goes on and on.  We tend to forget to make that list; the one that has the pros and cons on it for the relationship.  Why on one of the most important decisions in our lives and journey would we not even consider making and evaluating even sometimes re-evaluating the list of the rest of our lives??

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Does he even include you into his life fully? What is his goals, dreams, motivations? His current projects that he is working on?  What’s his responsibilities he has his family, friends or even work? Does he talk to you about finances? Where he spends his money?  Does he include you in any plans that he makes or does he just make them and tell you about them.  It is obvious he doesn’t need permission he is well over an age to even have to ask permission, but does he consider you in any of them?

Have you discussed your future?  Did you have the conversation about what each of your futures look like?  If you bring up any commitment or marriage how does he react?  Is he calm, communicative, brush it aside or change the subject quickly?  Does he get angry about it?  Does he turn the conversation to an angry one and gaslight you to believing you are nagging or pushing him into something he isn’t ready for or he just doesn’t want to do?

 

His behaviors

If he takes vacations from the relationship with no warning it means he isn’t worried about losing you, and this is never a good sign. Does he disappear for day, weeks, even months at a time without warning?  This is a telltale sign he doesn’t even respect you or the relationship and he is not even concerned about losing you!  Some guys will cause a fight; we just know it at the time some are so good at making us thing that we really did something wrong that made Him leave. He is telling you that he can do whatever he wants.  You have no impact on his life whatsoever whether its time, energy or financial decisions.   If you are readily available when he comes back, you are letting him know that he can continue to do this since he had no consequences to his disappearing act.

 

Most women believe that a man that introduces you to his friends means that it’s a serious relationship; this is the furthest from the truth.  He may just want to show you off because your beautiful or hot.  He may just be showing off to his friends.  Any man that sees a long-term relationship introduces you to his closest to him; His family!!  The subject should come at some time down the road at least.  If he brushes it off, avoids the conversation or plainly just completely ignores it and you haven’t met any of his family at all is a huge red flag! Any man that is thinking about your future will want to let you into his world and Yes, Virginia that means meeting his family.  When a man never brings up any indication that he plans on you meeting his family; he’s essentially saying he doesn’t see you being in his world for the long run.  He could just be keeping his options open in case he meets someone that he deems better for him and his world.

There are still men out there that do not like being alone all the time.  They can’t stand to be single to have someone to spend time with and do things with.   Be careful not to fall for one of those unavailable men.  He may be there at times, spend time out with you or just hanging out at home watching television.  He is biding time with you until “the one” comes along.  There still is a flood of men like this.  They know you are not the one they will be with in the future and surely never marry you but it’s better to have someone then no one sometimes.   This is where we sometimes spend way too long in a relationship with someone who will never commit.  They can be very good at avoiding commitment conversations and give us false hope that one day we would get there; when he is ready.  The issue is that sometimes we are the last to know and not by them telling us but as we realize it and finally give up!

 

The Reality Pill that’s almost impossible to swallow;

15 signs that he’s just not going to marry you-

  • He won’t give you a straight answer
  • He gets angry when you try to talk about it
  • He won’t be “official”
  • He doesn’t “believe in marriage”
  • He keeps you at a distance from his family and close friends
  • He still doesn’t know…
  • He shuts you out
  • He can’t do conflict
  • He doesn’t really care about your future plans
  • He’ll propose to you as soon as…
  • You feel desperate and pathetic
  • He has a pretty bleak view of marriage
  • He downplays your relationship to others
  • He proposed…but won’t set a date(even fake proposed)
  • You just know he’s not the guy for you

 

 

Tammy O’Brien

 

 

Broken without a Cure

How many other people feel that what they have endured as a child has left them unfix-able?   I have had this thought more times that I could even count.  I have wondered so many times am I the Only One?!

The only one whose felt so broken that there was no way to repair all the damage that has been done; all the damage I, myself, have done.  Am I alone in thinking that no matter how many books I read, how many seminars I attend, how many videos I have watched by ‘experts’ on how to thrive instead of just surviving, that perhaps maybe this is as good as it gets!!  Maybe there is no actual cure to fix what was broken so long ago inside my head.  My heart well that’s a whole new level of broken.

I have had doctors give up on me and by give up I mean literally every regimen of medications that could be prescribed given.  One doctor actually told me that “I don’t know what good a therapist would do this long after!”  I mean given up.  He did however make those appointments every four weeks to get an insurance payment and prescribe the medications again though.

I do understand my situation is so unique.  I not only was sexually molested by the male babysitter that was to care for me over weekends as my parents went out of town.  When my father suspected him maybe end up doing something; he had no idea it already had been going on.  My parents decided my older brother was mature enough to watch us during these times.  You guessed it he then took over but with my brother it wasn’t just touching it was full on incestual rape!!!  My mother is a classic case of NPD or narcissistic personality disorder.  I hit the PTSD lottery of childhood traumas!  Unfortunately this wasn’t a lottery any one person would ever want to even be entered into.

I read so much about others that are ‘thriving’ with the abuse they endured.  They have a fulfilling life now.  I have tried everything ever mentioned but the flashbacks never dissipated.  The memories just flew back about six months ago.  What my brain tried to protect me from thirty some years ago came back with such a brutal force I did not leave my house for weeks!!  I do not know how anyone can thrive with any of this in the recesses of your mind that any little thing can bring them back.  I cannot tell you the last time I even slept a whole night!!  I am lucky in the aspect that I do not remember the majority of my dreams nor what the night terrors were even about.

I get upset, irritated, mad, depressed, angry, raging all at the same time out of the blue with no rhyme or reason.  I wish I could go back to being naive and not remembering any of this; it was so much simpler then.  I would give anything to just be a normal person like everyone else that I didn’t have any memories especially flashbacks with vivid imagery, smells, voices, background noises that seem like yesterday even though it was 32 years ago.  How do you just say I don’t care, You don’t have power over me, I am not to blame and you cannot stop my shine!!! How the Hell does anyone do this!!!

I then realize that maybe it is me!!! I am broken!  I cannot be fixed!!  No matter what I try or how hard I try to forget, even for just a while, it all comes rushing  back and definitely at the worst times.  My eyes tend to fill up with tears without any reason why.  When people ask what’s wrong I say nothing, Nothing!!! Most of the time I do not even know why emotions have come over me or I just can’t get the words to form from my brain with the memories to my mouth to speak them, maybe in horror, maybe in disbelief.

Almost everyone in my life that has tried to help as they say; has left.  Some due to the fact they didn’t think they could help me; some thought I just didn’t want to help myself.  They believed I didn’t try nor want to face what had actually happened to me.  Some thought I was just lazy or that I made up shit just so I didn’t have to do something such as go to work or a function.  No matter the reasoning people always leave.  No one ever stays and for this abandonment became an issue.  I stopped letting anyone in.  I stopped telling anyone what was truly wrong; after all I don’t blame them how can you help someone that is unfix-able????????

Lostsoulsearching

This is about one woman’s journey through all the turmoil her life has brought; some she had no control over other’s she had the choices that let to consequences.

I invited you to walk with me as I try and unravel the pain, anguish, hurt, and sometimes joy that we go through.  It becomes almost an unbearable agony once memories and trauma unfreezes inside your black box aka the brain.

 

 

Tongue is mightier then the sword

Words that I remember could cut the strongest man down.  As I sat and tried to think of how or even how the hell I dealt with such verbal abuse from him.   Words like you only have ever given your worst, Where is the good?, You are not worth it.  These are the normal; so what the hell was wrong with me?  I have never let anyone have power in words, to tell me what I am supposed to be or feel in my life; so why did he have such power?  He made me believe he was so much better than me.  He repeatedly told me how crazy I was.  I was in his phone as “psychotic bitch from hell”.  I couldn’t even make this up.  Words have such a power to uplift or completely destroy you especially if they are being said by someone you love and trust completely.  How does a person who you completely trust this much take that as a sign to wear you down to nothingness.  CONTROL,

He found a way to get me to open up and tell him all my insecurities, my fears, my weakness’ and used every opportunity to use them against me.  I did not see this than obviously its only in after the fact that I am seeing it.  I am sure he will have a whole new retrospect on it, after all, he is the victim!! Everyone is out to get him, to make him miserable, as he used to say Buddha says “Life is suffering” boy did I suffer.  I was with him for four years; four very long years that seemed like an eternity, to the point that I did not even remember my life before him.

We did hook up at one of my lowest points in my life so I guess I was already vulnerable and easy for the pickings to control.  There had been some good times, I think, hell at this point I wonder if he had me believe that too.  His words were like gold even though he would always say I don’t listen to him anyway; no one does.  Reminiscing on some of the words that he spoke, I can’t believe even some of the things written to me from him, and the most amazing part of it all…..I believed it!!

I cannot make some of these things up.  I had to insert a part of his own e-mails to me.   This one really blew me even a year or so later.

Is it come to this?

I was out to dinner on Saturday night with some friends.  This is nothing unusual except what had transposed in this very dainty sports bar and restaurant in my hometown.   In what’s called the clubhouse, the bar section; there is a window from the kitchen that outlooks to the bar.  As we drank a couple drinks waiting on our food, the cook is waiting in between this hole in between.  I hear the cook start telling a story about a girl that was passed out in her own apartment half naked where a guy had sex with her like that.  He stated that “she” can drink like a man so being passed out was unusual.  As he and another older gentleman patron are laughing at this story I listened intently.  He then precedes to actually explain with exact preciseness where she lives!!!!! At this point I am so appalled that I begin to tear up.  I tell the friends I am with and the men blow me off!!!!! Is this normal conversation even in a bar???? When did rape become so normal that we just brush it off?  I got composed and asked the waiter for the manager who tells me he is the manager: He agrees that is not appropriate to speak of in the business and just stands there and continues to talk to my male friends like I said ‘How are you’ like hey, Seriously!!!

As I continue to listen to people talk I realize I am the only one so irritated by this.  Now granted, due to my own childhood sexual abuse maybe I am more sensitive to others.  I go to the front and ask for the manager.  The girl up front I have seen there for years tells me she is.  As I look at her stunned she says I am as in reaffirmation.  I say that’s weird our waiter just said he was!  I tell her the same pedophile story and she asks me to go outside with her as she realizes what I am saying!!  I stated I have been a restaurant manager for five years, which in fact I was, that this not only has civil repercussions but a lawsuit to the family business.  She stated she agreed she would speak with him, at least she seemed to have some damn common sense this was wrong in all facets of the term.

 

I did see her go to the kitchen and close the window that apparently closes.  My male friends are mad at me furiously telling me that I should’ve just kept my mouth shut!! I shouldn’t said anything I was not there!!  Are they totally serious?  Oh, that I embarrassed them! THEM!!! What the hell has happened that rape is okay? Okay for another to tell exactly where she lived, who knows if the people he told this “story” too was a pedophile, sexual predator, or even a serial rapist!

Now as I thought we all were leaving together it came to be that my male friend was actually talking to the cook!  This is where it gets twisted.  The cook states he was talking about a guy that overdosed that night!!!! She now became a guy, no half naked, no sex, no drinking like a man but a guy overdosed!!!  Give me a break.

 

I wonder two days later was I wrong?   Was I the one who should not have said anything and just been disgusted in silence?? Has society really turned to sexual assault as something acceptable and just ‘happens’!  When did the military’s Don’t ask don’t tell policy become civilian policy?

 

One thing that my father had instilled in me was that those who sit silently watching a travesty are just as guilty as those who were doing the injustice.  Needless to say I have lost two people in my life, I don’t see this as a loss quite frankly anyone who thinks rape is okay, Is not someone I would want to even be associated with!!!!!!

 

 

 

lostsoulsearching